SavingSaved
by Ellie Slaughter
Summary: On the outside, she was fine with being the savior. It was a job she bore proudly and with silent stride. But deep down inside, she was tired of saving everyone else when there was no one to save her. / He wasn't always on the right side of things and he often fell out of grace. He was frostbitten, but she kept him warm and saved him from the cold. - A two part SasuSaku fic


Author's Note: This is my first time tackling this pairing. And I'm still not used to writing for them, but this idea came up to me and I had to write it. I tried to follow cannon as much as possible and kept it pretty vague. I hope it's understandable and likable.

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Saving

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She was strong. She had many trials and tribulations in her lifetime. She has loved and lost, been broken and repaired. It was always her who fixed herself. She could feel the tired lines in her face that refused to show. She could feel her hands ache. Her back was always sore and her feet had grown callouses, but she never complained. Instead, she smiled because she did all the saving. Who did Ino always come to when she needed help getting through to her emotionally inept boyfriend, her. Who did Hinata confide in when she tried tirelessly and tirelessly to gain the blonde haired shinobi's attention, her. It was always her who helped and helped and helped without a question, without any type of qualm. And while she was happy with her life's work, she was also so very tired. So, so very tired and she knew she would like to be saved too, if for just once. No one saved her because she did all the saving. She was too strong.

And she knew it was her strength that drew people to her. She was the flame and all the moths lingered and burned. She was there, always standing tall after hearing everyone's problems, after fixing everyone. She was there in the hospital room, after hours, on the field, anywhere they could catch her, she was there to save. She had a natural affinity for saving people, to heal. It was in her heart to help. It's what gave her a life purpose. It felt good to help and heal. But what didn't feel good was the aftermath. How healing would inflict on her. She was a mirror for the wounds. She would save people just so the pain can weigh down on her, but she was strong and only the strong can be the savior for others. It was a heavy job that put the weight of the world on her shoulders. It was the price to pay for being resilient

But, she wasn't strong, deep down inside. When she looked down at herself. She was very meager and weak. And if she were being honest with herself, it looked like her shoulders would cave any day. Her legs would tremble and her eyes stung every damn day. She cried a lot in the comfort of her cold apartment that she shared with an even colder man. She often shivered when she put the key in the lock. She cried in the shower because that was the only place that would wipe her tears for her. She wanted to be happy, genuinely happy to be the savior, but that job was so taxing. It wore down on her more than she initially bargained for. They didn't say that it is the savior who bares all pain as their own.

She will never forget how she saved Tenten from dying when the only love her life died. Tenten was close to ending it all when Neji died in battle. Being a master of weapons she knew the easiest and fastest way to kill herself with just a nick, but instead she chose to go to the pink haired medic nin for saving. Sakura didn't even need any medical jutsu that day because the bun haired female had never actually went that far, instead Sakura gave Tenten her time and her emotions. She shouldered Tenten's pain so she didn't have to feel the excruciating pain of losing the love of her life. Instead, Sakura offered her own wounds of love lost and losing to the world like a sacrificial lamb. She did so gladly and with a teary smile just so Tenten could be numb and continue her life without having to feel the hollowness of a heart being ripped from its cavity, much like Sakura had felt when the black haired ninja left the village all those years ago.

She didn't speak about how opening closed wounds again leaves an uglier scar than the one before. A part of her inside was just happy that she was able to save the chocolate eyed girl because after all, she was the savior.

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 _"Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."_

 _Anne Lamott_

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Deep inside her, she harbored dark feelings and depressing thoughts. She supposed she could always confide in Ino about her feelings, the ones she gets when she's all alone in the shower, but she goes through enough with her life and trying to get Sai to _feel_ her; in more ways than one. She knew her friend would listen with ready ears and an open heart, probably big enough to fit Sakura inside, but Sakura was selfish. She was selfish with her guilt, her sorrow, and her burdens. She wouldn't dare let someone not strong enough try to carry the load with her.

The only person who gives a glint of understanding is the Nara boy who feels as though it's too troublesome to speak about feelings. He too harbors a lot, not because he is the stronger of the two, he just doesn't have the energy. It's easier to harbor. It wasn't troublesome. Every so often when their paths would cross, he could give her a sympathetic gaze, not too long because that would require more energy than he's willing to exert, but she welcomes the little piece of solace in the form of understanding.

Guilt often chokes her when Ino would question her about her life and she would lie with a smile and a "fine" would vomit pass her lips like word regurgitation. It was almost systematic how easy the word fine came out her mouth. Ino would give her a lingering glance and shrug her shoulders and accept the placatingly lie because she trusted her pink haired friend. Mostly because Ino thought she could be a savior too, but Sakura knew she wasn't that strong. She loved her best friend, she loved her more than she loved herself sometimes. Seeing Ino's bright smile was too bright to want to dim. For it was years of pain making a home inside of the medic nin. Pain that Sakura had begun to associate as close friends, the ones who knew her the most and loved her more than the man she chose to share her life with.

Ino couldn't carry how bad Sakura wished her boyfriend would hold her. Just hold her for more than a fraction of a second when she would return from work. Ino thought getting Sai to understand emotions was the hardest thing ever, but she never actually had to try to get him to touch her, to caress her.

Sakura just wanted her boyfriend to save her because in her eyes, he was the only one strong enough for her. Only he could feel as deeply as she and could bear so much of the world. She never thought she would get this weathered from the world like a prehistoric rock, but here she was. She knew her boyfriend was the most weathered of all their friends, and yet, he made it look so effortless. He wore his frown lines unabashed. The bags under his eyes told the world just how tired of it he was. He shouldered himself, damn needing anyone to shoulder his pain for him. But, he was a pro at pain. He had felt it at such a young age and had grown accustomed to it. It was an acquired taste, but once learned it was appreciated. Sakura envied him because of his strength.

She just needed to feel he was there, like she wasn't the only savior in the world swamped with people. She needed his shoulder like Tenten had sought hers out those years ago. She knew she would never go running after Sasuke, not after he left her the first time. She would never be so stupid again. She would never feel that pain again because she was stronger now. Because of him she was a savior now. And in a way, that was what kept her love for him so strong. Perhaps it is because of that very reason why she couldn't let him go. Only, the man she had always loved never knew the word: savior. He didn't know how to save anyone, he couldn't even save himself. Maybe the only one that could even grasp at the word was the blonde haired boy who pined after her for years before he gave up and found love in the Hyuuga princess. Only she was deserving of a love like that, of a love from someone of such strength. She was so pure and not tainted by heartache, lost, and self depreciation.

Sakura had opened herself for everyone to come and have a piece of her. She gave herself like the martyr she has become so she could help others. That was what her life had become after Sasuke and since he's been back, it's what it will always be. She thought that he would come back differently, and while he isn't the same as he was before he left, the man that lived with her in her cramped apartment was someone she didn't know why she loved.

He was the chill that made her apartment cold. His eyes were the knives that pierced her back and made it so unbelievably sore. It was his hands that made hers get frostbite and ache. It was because of him that she walked around their home on eggshells that stabbed her feet. She wanted to scream to him to help her, to save her. He was supposed to have been saved her. It should've been the day that he had unceremoniously waltzed back into the village. But it didn't, it only made her ache more.

He did accept her into his life as more than a teammate, more than something platonic, but at what cost?

She was so lonely when he was the only one in the room. He was just as emotionally inept as Sai, only one was willing and learning to feel emotions, the former had rid them completely from his life.

Sakura clutched on to the idea that he was strong enough for her, but deep down she knew. She knew he wasn't a savior. He couldn't be. He would try to offer idle talk and meager attempts at being intimate that was never enough to mend her wounds or to warm her heart. She thought maybe she could teach him to love her the way she needed, after all, he is a genius. How wrong she was. He watched her attempts with idle amusement that only made her colder.

She wanted to feel warm and that was it. She just wanted a true partner. Like Tenten was for Neji, like Ino is for Sai, like Naruto is for Hinata. The best remedy is love. That was all she was after. That was the only thing she needed to be saved, to feel safe. Her wounds were deep, but not even she had the means to penetrate that far. She could only do but so much. And while self love is the best love, it wasn't enough. Not when she saw all the other forms of love that were out there.

She knew she would continue to be as cold as her apartment because only she could love the one who had no idea on saving people. But, she was strong. Sakura was very strong, sometimes too strong for her own good. She knew secretly that's why she had to be the one to bear all this pain. Plainly and simply because she could. She wouldn't break, she couldn't break. She couldn't help but to call out to God and pray for some saving, just an ounce. She instantly knew what His reply would be:

 _Nobody saves the savior._

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 _"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."_

 _Louise Erdrich_

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Author's Note: There will be a companion fic called Saved, told from Sasuke's point of view, so look out for that if you're interested, it will be added as a second chapter to this to save confusion. I really hope you guys enjoyed this. It probably wasn't my best, but I really do enjoy the idea.


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